
penguinarse
- July 10th, 4:14
So, I've changed my mindset, a lot.
Humor me, this will be long, and probably boring but I don't know, maybe if you are having problems, it will help you?
I was uh, surfing for new comics to read, and I stumbled across a comic which the name of I can't remember right now. Mind you its 4:15am where I am.
Well, two best friends, in college. Both have their problems, but they are in love with each other, while having boyfriends of their own. Not dirty nasty lesbian love. But intimate love. It was really cute, and moving the way they acted, not as lovers, but as best friends who made love? I don't know if that makes any sense whatsoever.
Well, I was finished and I had turned off my computer, and was laying in bed with Bruce trying to go to sleep. I felt oddly different having reading it. I turned on my light and started drawing, and I didn't first instinct draw a dog, or a cat, or an animal. But I drew a city, and people, and normal stuff. Like I used to draw when I was a kid.
Sitting there, I kept wondering when I first started to have sexual thoughts, and when I first did things to myself, and when I first started experimenting with porn, and boys and etc. I thought about my friendship with Jacky, and how we have been so tight since we were in middle school. Eight years, and I felt for the first time, that I had been the one who'd been letting it fall down the drain. Like I had been the one who got tired of being around her, and got on the computer more. Yes, it is going to be my life, yes, it is always going to be something I love to do.
I kept wondering why I was on the internet so much, ignoring the fact that I'd gained weight, wanting it to go away. Like sitting here on the computer is going to like magic, make the weight go away.
I start college in a month. I start my first real job next week. Yesterday, I spent an amazing day with my best friend, and a friend of ours, and I was excited and happy every moment of it. I went to the beach, and enjoyed it. I didn't pine for the internet, and I didn't think about world of warcraft, or what I had to do on the computer at home, or what I was missing. I just relaxed, and enjoyed the company of my friends. I sat in my room tonight, wondering why yesterday felt so amazing, why rght now, I am watching my cat fall off of one of my shelves, and write this, wondering why I don't feel that excitement, like the females who were best friends, together, were so happy and joyful.
I want that joy back, I also want to start running again, and be happy with myself. I want to be successful, and make a living.
Instead of just wanting all of those things, like I have for the past like.. 18 years. I'm going to go do those things. I am going to multitask, and chew gum and walk at the same time. I'm going to learn new things everyday. I love to learn, and I don't do much of it anymore. I also love to draw. It has been my passion. I don't want to draw dogs anymore. I don't love dogs. I love abstract things, and my imagination exploding onto a sheet of paper. There is only so much you can put on a dog before it just looks like someone vomited onto a sheet of paper.
There are a few people who have inspired me, and if nothing else, you deserve mentions.
The first being Aelias, because he is utterly carefree, and calm, and excitable, and is actually doing something other than sitting on the computer all the time, he takes naps, and goes for runs, and works, and .. stuff.
Second, Cambria (sorry if I spelled your name wrong, I fail at those kind of things.) You are very inspiring to me, because you know sooooo much. You are a very rational thinker, who doesn't get all angry and rage on people, or get really upset and throw tantrums, if anything you are usually the one who defuses people. You also give amazing advice.
I also love to write. Hence why I am writing this long thing, that is going to flood your friends page.
Guess what? I don't careeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. Also, I don't know how to create one of those things Mike told me about so it links to the profile.
I'm officially bored of the internet. I was bored of the real world, so I came to the internet. My love for the world is back, so internet is going on the back burner.
Fuck you T.V. I still hate you.
With lots of love.
Kirsten