penguinarse

So, I've changed my mindset, a lot.

Humor me, this will be long, and probably boring but I don't know, maybe if you are having problems, it will help you?

I was uh, surfing for new comics to read, and I stumbled across a comic which the name of I can't remember right now. Mind you its 4:15am where I am.

Well, two best friends, in college. Both have their problems, but they are in love with each other, while having boyfriends of their own. Not dirty nasty lesbian love. But intimate love. It was really cute, and moving the way they acted, not as lovers, but as best friends who made love? I don't know if that makes any sense whatsoever.

Well, I was finished and I had turned off my computer, and was laying in bed with Bruce trying to go to sleep. I felt oddly different having reading it. I turned on my light and started drawing, and I didn't first instinct draw a dog, or a cat, or an animal. But I drew a city, and people, and normal stuff. Like I used to draw when I was a kid.
Sitting there, I kept wondering when I first started to have sexual thoughts, and when I first did things to myself, and when I first started experimenting with porn, and boys and etc. I thought about my friendship with Jacky, and how we have been so tight since we were in middle school. Eight years, and I felt for the first time, that I had been the one who'd been letting it fall down the drain. Like I had been the one who got tired of being around her, and got on the computer more. Yes, it is going to be my life, yes, it is always going to be something I love to do.

I kept wondering why I was on the internet so much, ignoring the fact that I'd gained weight, wanting it to go away. Like sitting here on the computer is going to like magic, make the weight go away.

I start college in a month. I start my first real job next week. Yesterday, I spent an amazing day with my best friend, and a friend of ours, and I was excited and happy every moment of it. I went to the beach, and enjoyed it. I didn't pine for the internet, and I didn't think about world of warcraft, or what I had to do on the computer at home, or what I was missing. I just relaxed, and enjoyed the company of my friends. I sat in my room tonight, wondering why yesterday felt so amazing, why rght now, I am watching my cat fall off of one of my shelves, and write this, wondering why I don't feel that excitement, like the females who were best friends, together, were so happy and joyful.

I want that joy back, I also want to start running again, and be happy with myself. I want to be successful, and make a living.

Instead of just wanting all of those things, like I have for the past like.. 18 years. I'm going to go do those things. I am going to multitask, and chew gum and walk at the same time. I'm going to learn new things everyday. I love to learn, and I don't do much of it anymore. I also love to draw. It has been my passion. I don't want to draw dogs anymore. I don't love dogs. I love abstract things, and my imagination exploding onto a sheet of paper. There is only so much you can put on a dog before it just looks like someone vomited onto a sheet of paper.

There are a few people who have inspired me, and if nothing else, you deserve mentions.

The first being Aelias, because he is utterly carefree, and calm, and excitable, and is actually doing something other than sitting on the computer all the time, he takes naps, and goes for runs, and works, and .. stuff.

Second, Cambria (sorry if I spelled your name wrong, I fail at those kind of things.) You are very inspiring to me, because you know sooooo much. You are a very rational thinker, who doesn't get all angry and rage on people, or get really upset and throw tantrums, if anything you are usually the one who defuses people. You also give amazing advice.

I also love to write. Hence why I am writing this long thing, that is going to flood your friends page.

Guess what? I don't careeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. Also, I don't know how to create one of those things Mike told me about so it links to the profile.


I'm officially bored of the internet. I was bored of the real world, so I came to the internet. My love for the world is back, so internet is going on the back burner.

Fuck you T.V. I still hate you.


With lots of love.
Kirsten

Lmafoasmogdhtrnyjmthjo




GoldenHaschen says (4:05 PM):
did you want to do a cam show? i have a cam also
[Penguin] says (4:06 PM):
No thanks.
GoldenHaschen says (4:06 PM):
rp?
[Penguin] says (4:06 PM):
You already asked me.
GoldenHaschen says (4:06 PM):
why not?
[Penguin] says (4:06 PM):
I already told you.
GoldenHaschen says (4:06 PM):
please?
[Penguin] says (4:07 PM):
No?
GoldenHaschen says (4:07 PM):
your a bitch
fucking go to hell cunt
you dont deserve my cock
[Penguin] says (4:07 PM):
Cool!
[Penguin] says (4:08 PM):
I don't want it anyways smartass.
GoldenHaschen says (4:08 PM):
i hope next time someone goes anal on you, u bleed horribly
[Penguin] says (4:08 PM):
Thanks! I'll be sure to tell them!
GoldenHaschen says (4:08 PM):
biiiitch
[Penguin] says (4:08 PM):

GoldenHaschen says (4:08 PM):
cunt sucker
[Penguin] says (4:09 PM):
Well i do like pussy. So Thats true! Great observation!
GoldenHaschen says (4:09 PM):
cock smoker
[Penguin] says (4:09 PM):
I do love to give head. You know alot about me!
GoldenHaschen says (4:09 PM):
nigga
[Penguin] says (4:10 PM):
Aw. How cute! You ran out of good insults!
GoldenHaschen says (4:10 PM):
mother fucking god admn fucking nigg aass monkey cunt whore fucking son of a bitch eat dog shit and go to hell you fat piece of fucking slutty ass cock mosking god damn mother fucking whore
[Penguin] says (4:11 PM):
Oh my god. That was freaking hilarious, you just made my day.
GoldenHaschen says (4:11 PM):
FUCK YOU
GoldenHaschen says (4:12 PM):
FUCK YOU
[Penguin] says (4:13 PM):
Naw, i already declined thanks anyways.
GoldenHaschen says (4:14 PM):
FUCK
YOU
WHERE DO YOU LIVE IRL?
I'LL COME TO UR HOUSE RIGHT NOW
AND TAKE A LEAD PIPE TO YOUR FACE
FUCKING WHORE
TELL ME NOW
TELL ME SO I CAN DO IT
[Penguin] says (4:14 PM):
I think you forgot to eat your frosted mini wheats this morning! Someones cranky.
GoldenHaschen says (4:14 PM):
WHAT DID YOU SAY

GoldenHaschen says (4:15 PM):
SAY IT AGIAN
I DARE YOU TO
SAY IT TO MY FUCKING FACE
WHERE DO YOU LIVE?
TELL ME
TELL ME NOW
[Penguin] says (4:15 PM):
I think you forgot to eat your frosted mini wheats this morning! Someones cranky.

GoldenHaschen says (4:15 PM):
OR ULL REGRET IT
TELL ME
FUCKING WHORE
ILL FUCK YOUR WORLD UP
WITH A FUCKING LEAD PIPE
TELL ME NOW
TELL ME
FUCKING COWARD
IM LIKE 7 FOOT IRL
[Penguin] says (4:15 PM):
You know, typing in caps doesnt do much other than make you look like you can't read normal font face.
GoldenHaschen says (4:16 PM):
JKLFDKLADSJKLF
ASDFKLAJDFAJKLSDF
ADSFL;AETIOPJASEDTOFIAU W45TJIOPAW4U90WPRMKL ASEFSEJIODFKLASDKLF

(he signed out afterwards, assuming he blocked me)

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHH




Ahhh.

Is it worth loosing a few people close to you, to get the one person who you are dieing to have back?

I don't know what to do.

OOOOOOOOOOH THE CONTROVERSY.

Soap Operas
Lucky Star



Cake :>

Cody i hope you don't think i have any idea what lexi was talking about in the conversation from M. I didn't really, and if you think i'm two-facing you, you are horribly wrong.

Also, nook is best ever ehehe penguins

Innuendo: want to know something funny lex
Xie: .
Innuendo: no . you xie
Leski: yes
Innuendo: i used to have a crush on lucas
Leski: well duh
Innuendo: what
Leski: did you ever get the pen
petra: just left
Leski: from, him
Innuendo: Yeah :>
Leski: :DD
Innuendo: its awesomseome
Innuendo: and well duh what
Innuendo: WELL DUH WHAT
Innuendo: grunts
Leski: IT WAS OBVIOUS???????
Leski: well not really
Leski: i just guessed
Innuendo: lmfao
Leski: i have a crush on........ whispers.................. michael
Innuendo: i have a crush on orion too
Innuendo: and mike
Innuendo: and aelias
Innuendo: and brooke
Innuendo: and katie at one point
Innuendo: and uh
Leski: i did with katie too
Innuendo: oh cody yes
Leski: and cody
Innuendo: i liked him
Leski: yeah
Innuendo: ocean and bandit
Leski: he is fucking hotr
Leski: but now he's just playing girls cuz he can i swear
Innuendo: lmfao what
Leski: got a gf, but likes someone online and she likes him toot
Leski: hat is cruel
Innuendo: who
Innuendo: ocean or bandito
Leski: bandit
Innuendo: oh right
Innuendo: yeah i know
Leski: ocean is hot too but does too much shit for my liking lfmao
Innuendo: LOL
Innuendo: me too.
Innuendo: oh i also like uh whatshisface
Innuendo: mif
Innuendo: and trouble
Leski: and phreaker
Innuendo: lets see scrolls through list
Innuendo: no i love tony, i dont like him
Leski: what like as a brothe
Xie: o_o
Innuendo: tony loves me too :>
Leski: r
Leski: oh
Leski: aww
Innuendo: we dont want to put eachother through that
Leski: i used tohave a giant crush on feather
Innuendo: shes adorable
Innuendo: xie is adorable too
Innuendo: but dont tell her i said tha
Innuendo: t
Leski: she is om
Leski: g
Innuendo: lets seee
Innuendo: oh i liked aaron once a longlong time ago but now hes no
Leski: yeah
Innuendo: and
Leski: and you ofc
Innuendo: o
Leski: i swear we're like wolfhome sluts B) but in a good way
Innuendo: oh and jeter
Innuendo: jester
Leski: never knew him
Leski: merr ftw
Innuendo: hes adorable
Innuendo: i liked merr too aww
Leski: and catalyst
Leski: ofc
Innuendo: no i love catalyst
Innuendo: kiko
Leski: yeah
Innuendo: :>
Xie: i love how i don't like anyone LMAO
Innuendo: hes in japan ;_; i miss him
Innuendo: I love how i like fucking all of wh
Xie: i think i ever only did once or twice
Leski: and sol
Leski: omg sol
Innuendo: i liked sol too yes
Leski: used to be crazy for her
Innuendo: omg
Innuendo: and levi<3
Xie: laughing at you guys
Innuendo: lovelovloevevloe levi
Xie: n_n
Innuendo: NOU
Xie: burp
Innuendo: and grayson of course
Pestilence: what
Innuendo: LOL MIKE
Leski: well hello to you too
Innuendo: have you been reading this whole thing?
Leski: shit i hope not
Leski: LMFAO
Innuendo: gtfo my room
Innuendo: no dont im sorry
Pestilence: no, I read it just now
Innuendo: NO
Innuendo: okay
Innuendo: i dont care really
Innuendo: ill probably post this on livejournal
Innuendo: for teh lulz
Pestilence: cracks knuckles
Innuendo: what
Innuendo: oh i liked kita too
Leski: aww i love kita as a sister
Pestilence: chelsea is my daughter
Innuendo: :U and joey and zack
Leski: who and who
Pestilence: my knuckles wont stop popping
Innuendo: roxas and sora
Xie: i feel boring lmao
Innuendo: well stop it
Innuendo: why
Leski: oh
Pestilence: well you can pop your knuckles with me....
Innuendo: liked raz too
Xie: does
Innuendo: aand lonewolf
Leski: used to have a crush on whatever her name is these days
Pestilence: ow shit no, they hurt now LMAO
Innuendo: who
Leski: mikes ex
Leski: leighann
Innuendo: scarlet
Xie: mist
Xie: o
Innuendo: i never liked her
Leski: scarlet rubinix erm skully?
Leski: this was on gaia though
Leski: before she came on wolfhome
Innuendo: o
Leski: WHICH I INTRODUCED HER TOO
Innuendo: gj
Leski: and her boyfriend rory
Leski: now with amanda
Pestilence: not even sure how you could crush over gaia
Innuendo: OH
Xie: pretty pretty pixel bodies
Innuendo: and freewolf of course
Leski: we used to cam alot
Leski: OG YES ADAM <3333333
Innuendo: <3
Leski: still have a crush on him
Leski: and beck :D
Innuendo: i do too
Innuendo: i dont think i ever liked beck
Innuendo: dont know her well enough
Leski: :O
Innuendo: lets see ponders
Innuendo: lmfao
Pestilence: this room is too dayish
Innuendo: your face is to dayish
Xie: it's messing with my biological clock

For the lulz i said.

Hi livejournal!


Hi friends!


Hi!


!


Yeah i don't really know what to say, but updates are updates. I sit at home everyday, and play world of warcraft every day, all the time. I am really bored, and i cant get a job.

I'm lonely, but i am making new friends, and going on wolfhome even less than before. I cant even be bothered to get more deltas for my account.

hehehehehehehehehehe. i graduated last night

sadly my dad couldnt come, not enough money. but eh. x[ its okay

I'm happy Nook.

[5:20pm] Penguin: fucking shit
[5:21pm] Penguin: does turning 18 mean you loose all of your privacy and any respect your parents have for you????????
[5:21pm] Raven: yes
[5:21pm] Penguin: thats bullshit
[5:21pm] Leviticus: whats wrong
[5:21pm] Penguin: my mother took 60$ from my wallet
[5:21pm] Leviticus: why
[5:21pm] Penguin: i dont know
[5:21pm] Penguin: she didnt tell me
[5:21pm] Penguin: i looked in my wallet when i was going to get food and there was 100 dollarsin there yestrday
[5:22pm] Penguin: and ther was 40 in it then
[5:22pm] Katanya: penguin<3
[5:22pm] Leviticus: :(
[5:22pm] Penguin: not to mention a few weeks ago they used my creditcard without asking and made it go over on the limit
[5:22pm] Penguin: and my stepdad fucking walked in on me last night when i said i was indecent
[5:22pm] Penguin: then when i yelled for him to shut my door he just looked at me like i was crazy
[5:23pm] Penguin: ill be damned if i clean ANYTHING tonight
[5:23pm] Penguin: my mom withdrew 100 yesterday when she took out my 100 dollars from my paycheck
[5:24pm] Penguin: why the fuck did she need to take my money and spend it
[5:24pm] Leviticus: wow. that's nuts.
[5:24pm] Katanya: man i would have lost it by now
[5:24pm] Leviticus: yeah
[5:24pm] Raven: i wish i had $200
[5:24pm] Penguin: i locked my door andm not speaking to either of them tonight
[5:24pm] Penguin: notleaving my room
[5:24pm] Penguin: hm i should get a bottle of water then
[5:24pm] Penguin: brb
[5:25pm] Katanya: :(
[5:25pm] Katanya: i wish i could come save you
[5:26pm] Penguin: its fine.
[5:26pm] Penguin: i have been a fucking angel for 18 years why am i getting the treatment of a criminal
[5:27pm] Penguin: this will be the first time i outright refuse to do what my mother asks
[5:28pm] Penguin: bnjma,geostrdtfm

._.

What does love mean?


I read something off of my economics teacher's site.

Children were asked these simple questions, and read their replies.


"What does love mean?"

When someone loves you, the way they say

your name is different. You just know that your

name is safe in their mouth."

Billy - age 4



"Love is when you go out to eat and give

somebody most of your French fries without making

them give you any of theirs."

Chrissy - age 6



"Love is what makes you smile when you're tired."

Terri - age 4



"Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my

daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him,

to make sure the taste is OK."

Danny - age 7



"Love is what's in the room with you at

Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen."

Bobby - age 7



"Love is when you tell a guy you

like his shirt, then he wears it everyday."

Noelle - age 7



"Love is when Mommy gives Daddy

the best piece of chicken." Elaine-age 5



"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy

smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than

Robert Redford." Chris - age 7



"Love is when your puppy licks

your face even after you left him alone all day."

Mary Ann - age 4



"I know my older sister loves me

because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go

out and buy new ones."

Lauren - age 4




________________________________

and then, here is a poem for you.



The Cold Within



Six humans trapped by happenstance

in black and bitter cold

Each possessed a stick of wood,

Or so the story's told.



Their dying fire in need of logs,

the first woman held hers back

For on the faces around the fire

She noticed one was black.



The next man looking 'cross the way

Saw one not of his church

And couldn't bring himself to give

The fire his stick of birch.



The third one sat in tattered clothes

He gave his coat a hitch,

Why should his log be put to use

To warm the idle rich?



The rich man just sat back and thought

Of the wealth he had in store,

And how to keep what he had earned

From the lazy, shiftless poor.



The black man's face bespoke revenge

As the fire passed from his sight,

For all he saw in his stick of wood

Was a chance to spite the white.



And the last man of this forlorn group

Did naught except for gain,

Giving only to those who gave

Was how he played the game.



The logs held tight in death's stilled hands

Was proof of human sin,

They didn't die from the cold without,

They died from the cold within.



By: James Patrick Kinney

This is the strongest poem I've read from the book "Hamlet" so far. Its very true.

Ay, marry, is 't.
But to my mind, though I am native here
And to the manner born, it is a custom
More honored in the breach than the observance.
This heavy-headed revel east and west
Makes us traduced and taxed of other nations.
They clepe us drunkards and with swinish phrase
Soil our addition. And indeed it takes
From our achievements, though performed at height,
The pith and marrow of our attribute.
So oft it chances in particular men
That for some vicious mole of nature in them—
As in their birth (wherein they are not guilty,
Since nature cannot choose his origin),
By the o'ergrowth of some complexion,
Oft breaking down the pales and forts of reason,
Or by some habit that too much o'erleavens
The form of plausive manners—that these men,
Carrying, I say, the stamp of one defect,
Being nature's livery or fortune's star,
Their virtues else (be they as pure as grace,
As infinite as man may undergo)
Shall in the general censure take corruption
From that particular fault. The dram of evil
Doth all the noble substance of a doubt
To his own scandal.



In Translation:


Yes, it is. But though I was born here and should consider that tradition part of my own heritage, I think it would be better to ignore it than practice it. Other countries criticize us for our loud partying.They call us drunks and insult our noble titles. And our drunkenness does detract from our achievements, as great as they are, and lessens our reputations. It's just like what happens to certain people who have some birth defect (which they are not responsible for, since nobody chooses how he's born), or some weird habit or compulsion that changes them completely. It happens sometimes that one little defect in these people, as wonderful and talented as they may be, will make them look completely bad to other people. A tiny spot of evil casts doubt on their good qualities and ruins their reputations.

The last letter, of my alphabet.


I booked his flight last night. and i put on the skirt im going to wear while i talked to him on the phone.

its a lime green skirt BAHAHAHA. and its long.

but

i felt really good. and i didnt feel nervous. and its going to be all right.





i just have to make sure i wear deodorant. LOL. no im kidding.

^______________________^ we are going to play lazer tag.

Also.

Why is it, that every personality quiz i ever take, or my horoscope or my anything ever quiz i take, always are so spot on to how i am????????????

8[


My phone is going to be shut off soon, because i cant pay the bill. its like $170....... my dad usually pays it but he is tight on cash so he cant. the bill was due today. so it will probably be off by the end of the week.



In other news.
my birthday is in 12 days. I'm pretty damned excited. though i wont be doing anything, nor will i be receiving anything from any part of my family. Not that i want to seem greedy, but honestly. i am turning 18. This is a stepping stone in my life, and i think a hoorah and a cake at least, would be nice.


My mom promised me since 16 + 17 i didn't do anything or get anything, that i'd have some big something, a party or a few gifts or even a bit of spending money, but instead. I learned that during spring break, the week of my birthday i will be working for her boss( my aunt ) and every cent i make will go towards money that i owe her for paying my car insurance.

8[ ... i was going to use it to pay my phone bill so i could apply for jobs................ but i guess not...... ill just give her all of the money and she can go on buying beer and pot and cigarettes and going out to bars with jeremy twice a week, because you know their entertainment is more important than paying bills.


I'm getting really really tired of them. They fight all the time, and then argue with me about stuff that isnt even worth arguing about.

You know what i REALLY want for my 18th birthday? I want to move out. and be closer to my boyfriend. I just want as far away from my mother and that thing that lives with us, as possible. I hate being there, and i hate the "rules" they force upon me. Things that don't even matter.

I don't go anywhere, i am never out after dark, i am never in trouble, i always have good grades.

I go home.
I go to my room.
I sit down at my drafting table.
and i turn on my computer.

and i sit there.

until dinner.
and then after dinner.
i go back upstairs and do the same thing.

Every.
Day.


But that is not okay with her, i can only be on the computer for certain times of the day now? Because obviously i should be doing more? like sitting on my ass downstairs rotting my brain on the TV?

since i stopped watching tv, i have actually thought a lot more, i've learned more, and i am more open minded. it's been about 4 months since i SAT and just watched TV.

Not to mention that they have to tell me to do everything. When to eat, when to take a shower, when to clean the catbox, when to do my laundry, when to switch my laundry, when to fold my laundry, when to drink, when i should leave for school.....

I am almost 18 fucking years old. i think i am capable of doing all the things i've been doing since i was 10.

But apparently the older i get the less capable i am of accomplishing anything.


Its really annoying to be perfectly honest. Hearing them yell at each other does not bother me, it is not the yelling. is it the fact that jeremy(stepfather) screams at my mother. Every word he says on a daily basis makes me grind my teeth, let alone him yelling at MY mother. i would rather him yell at me. It makes me want to go down stairs and yell at him.

Of course, if i were to do that, it would be my fault they were fighting then. and then he would take everything out on me, and blame me. Say "we treat you like an adult! you should start acting like one! You are allowed to do whatever you want!"
This, is a lie in all of its entirety.

I have to ask to eat, which has been what i have had to do, for all of my life. i cannot go out after dark, i cant drive the car only to the mall, school, and the gym. I cannot spend the money that i earned, with my previous job, in ways i see fit, i cannot use MY computer that MY father bought FOR me. when i want to use it.

These seem like things, that would make you very adult like eh?

Just really
FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK.
8[

I love my mother, but she is being a fool. Just like my father said. She is dependent on men, and always will be. She listens to what jeremy says, and agrees with what jeremy says, even though he is so terribly wrong a good portion of the time.


I use my livejournal to rant alot, sorry. It makes me feel better to type out my frustration.

I'm really scared. I haven't heard from Kiko, in a little over a month. Just before his surgery.

Cam gave me some ideas to try to get some kind of contact info, but.. none have worked because he isn't a US citizen..

i'm starting to fear the worst. And if the worst is true, i don't know what i'll do. I love Kiko. He is such a wonderful person, and friend to me. i would be horribly torn if the worst is true.

I'm trying to keep my hopes up and my optimism in the open, but its getting harder.

I am almost to the end of the alphabet :0


and, i finished my rubix today
and I'm going to see the watchmen

i have no idea what its about D:



and


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You should join. Met some really cool kids yesterday thanks to Nanook, and they made me all :)))

everyone there is oddly friendly, unlike wolfhome where if you are to close to another user they will rip your face off.

that seriously pisses me off.

if i get on my mule, and sit next to one of my friends, whether they are an old friend, or an acquaintance or someone who i barely talk to, they get this angry GET YOUR PIXELS THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME, RAWRWRAWR. YOU DON'T HAVE POSES AND I DON'T RECOGNIZE YOUR NAME SO GO AWAY.

then I'm like :) but you know who i am. and they are like HNNNG I DON'T KNOW YOU GET AWAY.

then i leave
and

Penguin: Just entered

user: OMGG PENGUIN<33333 HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII

and I'm like Oh? really?

and then they feel like assholes for being mean to a strange user, when all i did was sit near them. I did not antagonize them, or be rude to them. just asked how they were and happened to sit NEAR them. JUST NEAR THEM. not even on the person. its ridiculous

i think people should start being nicer to each other, maybe people would hate each other less, and wolfhome would not be as uptight. :\ makes me not want to go on as much.